the open closet

Let's call her Emma.

In the interest of full disclosure, we're changing the names to protect the innocent. We have no intention of hurting others or each other in any sense, so every precaution will be taken to ensure the anonymity of all participants or interests. There's a trick to doing this effectively, as any writer will tell you. A narrative only comes alive with details. Thus, all posts River and I make will be an exercise in walking a very thin line.

River has had a fascination with Emma for a long time, maybe a couple of years. Emma is the type of woman who is strong and smart and capable and funny and sexy, but occasionally slips into periods of melancholy in which she manages to belie all your first impressions. For this reason, any active intimate interest in her is fraught with emotional peril. One week, she flirts and glances at you with a secret fire that makes you tingle; the next week, she's distant and distraught and depressed and worried, and you wonder what you're getting yourself into, and if you might lose your mind while you're trying to understand hers. (But I assert that the emotional unpredictability is part of the sexiness.)

The changes aren't week to week, of course. Emma will be fine for two or three months, then take an unpredictable emotional dive for a week or two before she's okay again. But in the moment, it can feel like she's hot and she's cold, she's yes then she's no, you're wrong then you're right....

Yeah.

I like her. It may sound odd to say this in light of the information I just provided, but I like her because she's mature and solid. She's thoughtful.

When River first came out to her about our arrangement and the fact that Emma was her choice, Emma reacted with a confirmation that she was interested in River, too. Then she asked if I was okay with it, and what did that mean, exactly? She is interested in River, she doesn't want to interfere with River's and my relationship. And what if she falls in love?

Like I said, I like and respect her because she's smart, but also because she genuinely cares about others--to a fault (which probably contributes directly to her emotional highs and lows). She asks very good questions.

What does it mean for me to say that I have no problem with her and River having an intimate relationship?

I've thought about it now and again, and the idea of River having that thrill and that rush again is exciting for me. Not sexually exciting, but...I'm happy for her. I'm happy for both of them. They talk and text a lot. I don't feel threatened. I don't know how to explain this, really.

I know how she feels. She feels the same way we did when we got together, and the same way I have (and she probably has) toward the occasional random person at various points in our relationship. The difference is, now she needn't pretend she isn't attracted to someone else when she is. In my experience, this is one of the lies most traditional relationships implicitly embrace.

I know I'm beyond being able to provide that thrill for her anymore. The fact that I can't isn't an insult to me. It's a fact of human nature--as is the fact that she desires it (as do I).

If I thought she equated sex with love and commitment, this wouldn't work. (But then, if she equated them, she'd have never agreed to an open relationship to begin with.) How many people "cheat" on their spouses because they just want the thrill of seduction, but actually are quite happy in their marriage and have no intention of ending it or hurting their spouses? Most "cheaters," I think, fall into this category. Why? Because we've been acculturated to believe that sex is something you only give to the person you've committed yourself to. Then it gets all mixed up in our heads, and we start to think that sex and attraction must mean love. We also tend to believe that we only have so much love to share, so if our partner is giving some to someone else, then we're being short-changed, somehow. Intimate love in America is generally perceived as an all or nothing venture. It's crazy and stupid and in my opinion, a clear indicator of our (American) Puritan beginnings. Love--and sex, which isn't even necessarily related--simply doesn't work like that.

We don't apply this logic to friends, do we? I love my friends. I have friends all over the world. Some of them, I see only every few years, if I'm lucky. In some cases, I'll go years without even taking a moment to send an email to them. They don't think that means I don't love them, though, or that I somehow love them less. I just don't have time to keep up with everyone. When I have time, everything is like it was. Why do we assume love is different when it's intimate? I don't get that.

Do I want River leaving my bed for Emma's? Not right now. However, I am out of town a couple of nights a week, so I don't mind her getting in some quality time while I'm not around. Later, I may have no problem with her going when I am around, but I'll need to build up to that.

Yes. I am a product of my culture. I do have to peel the onion slowly, as it were. Emotion gets tied up in it, invariably, and no matter what my rational self decides, I have to wait for emotion to catch up.

I'm happy for them. I'm also, I think, living vicariously through them.

I have an interest, too. Sort of. We'll call her Jess. Jess is...well, I don't know if she's even interested in me, and I'm not the overtly pursuing type (unlike River, who continues to amaze and impress me). I'm a bit buried in work at the moment, so I haven't time or energy to loose the rabid dogs of war emotion, and less to act on the bleeding carcass they drag to my doorstep. Thus, I go through life knowing I'm free to flirt and enjoy without guilt, and that's enough for me.

If River can move faster and go farther when I haven't left the starting blocks, then no matter. This isn't a contest. It's about freedom and happiness.

***

We did have an interesting exchange recently. Remember how I'd said, "No men--for now"? She mentioned to me later, "You know I'm going to want to go out with men."

I texted her yesterday, asking how she'd react if a man asked me out.

She responded that she thought I wasn't interested in men. Then she texted again to say she wasn't comfortable with it.

vi