the open closet

How this came to be.

River and I have been together for almost eight years. We do not live in a state which allows us to marry, but marriage ultimately is a state of mind, not a piece of paper, and thus, she is undoubtedly my wife. I've never been closer to anyone, nor trusted anyone as explicitly, nor wanted so much to ensure anyone's happiness as I do hers. I've also never felt this quiet comfort and assurance that we're in a lifelong partnership with anyone else.

A bit about us is in order. More details will be forthcoming as we write, but here are the basics:

We come from similar backgrounds. We grew up in the South. We have very religious backgrounds, but we are agnostic/atheist now. We realized we were lesbians around the age of 18 or 19, then struggled to come to terms with it. I'm older than River by about twelve years.

As more and more people do these days, we fell in love online, sight unseen. We fell in love with one another's words, attitudes, emotions, thoughts. After a couple of months of an increasingly personal email and instant messaging discussion, we decided to meet, despite the fact that we lived several states apart. Then she sent me a picture. I was delighted to discover that she's quite beautiful, too.

We met and hit it off. She quit her job and moved in with me. This was when I first suggested an open relationship.

I've lived more than she has. I've travelled more, been in more relationships. My greatest fear was that she would wonder what she'd missed, because she moved in with me when she was almost 23, and had had very few experiences in comparison. I didn't want to lose her just because she was young, still largely hormone-driven, and curious.

While I'd never offered such a proposition to anyone before, I had long understood that sex and emotion aren't synonymous, that the desire for a romantic liaison, or even a lover, said nothing about my sincere emotional commitment to my chosen partner.

This was a bit of a reach from my childhood teaching, as you might imagine. I was raised deeply fundamentalist. Speak where the bible speaks and be silent where the bible is silent. One man, one woman. Premarital sex is a sin, but homosexuality is an abomination.

It was also quite a reach for River at the time, as we had, as I said, very similar upbringings. She was hurt because she assumed that I had the usual selfish motivation for offering an open relationship. I can't say that I blame her. She nixed the idea, and it didn't come up again for years.

It's called "lesbian bed death," but that is misleading in a couple of senses. It suggests that the reduction of the sexual drive in a committed relationship is due to our being lesbians, which is laughable. The fire dies in committed relationships. It's commitment/marriage bed death.

It isn't "death," either. It's just that the fire dies down over time. There's still a flame. I look at her and know she's hot, but...I don't have the time right now. I'm tired. I'm not in the mood. I have a project I need to complete. The Wii wore me out. I was too drunk to consider it (or be any good). Etc.

We do still have sex, though, and it's good. If we aren't drunk or stoned, it's gentle and tender and very pleasing. But here's the thing....

She no longer gives me that rush through my being, that flush and the bottomless pit of tangled fear and desire and anxiety that makes me burn. It isn't her fault. It's because...well, we're married.

We haven't talked about this lack of thrill until recently. I think we both wanted desperately to deny we didn't make one another's toenails tingle anymore. That doesn't change the facts, though.

It came to a head during our holiday parties last month (I'd say "Christmas," but some were just "end of semester, YAHOO" parties, while others were Holiday Parties Designed To Be Inclusive Of All Faiths, Even Those Who Find Nothing To Celebrate In December). My party was a couple of days before River's. At this party, I noticed that a most attractive woman I'd known for months was flirting with me.

I'm a bit slow on the uptake. Perhaps she was flirting with me all along, and I didn't notice until that party. It's true...she and I had hit it off very early and I had come to think of her as a very self-possessed, intelligent and interesting person. But at the party--which by this point had moved to a bar--we were talking and thus sat next to one another in the booth, and she, when she wanted to make a point or something, would squeeze my leg, squeeze it again, then linger for a moment before withdrawing. It slowly dawned on me that she was flirting with me, perhaps even outrageously. I'm just slow to note such things, as I've said.

I enjoyed it. I admit it. In more ways than one. Well...I'm well past the age most women begin to question their sexual attractiveness. I don't question it with River, obviously, but I've wondered if I was losing it, if I were quickly becoming just another older woman to everyone else. It was nice to know that her gestures and some of her comments--albeit clandestine--were decidedly sexual, and they were without a doubt aimed at me. I felt the rush. Yeah...that rush. And it was good.

I didn't move on it, in case you're wondering. I cannot imagine endangering my relationship with River for, well, a rush. Perspective, right?

I didn't mention it to River. I didn't know how to broach the subject, frankly, or how she'd take it. I want more than not to hurt her; I was to not hurt her. I also want to make sure she does not feel her place in my life threatened in the least.

Then I went to her holiday party. On the way home, she told me that, while she sat next to X (to be filled in by River or X as either sees fit), they had touched knees and rubbed knees a couple of times, and it felt good.

I said, quite frankly, "Would you fuck her?"

She said, "Yes."

I don't remember what I said. Something along the lines of, "Yeah. I could see that. She's hot."

I don't remember exactly how the conversation went, except that it was not defensive in the least. We both had needed, probably even wanted, to talk about this for a while. She said she didn't know how to tell me she was becoming sexually interested in other people; she was afraid I'd be upset, and NO...she didn't want to lose me. She loves me and, like I, envisions a life with me.

I asked how she could think that. An open relationship had been my idea from the beginning. She said she knew, she remembered, but she thought I might have changed and might think she wanted to leave me, which couldn't be farther from the truth. She had since come to believe that I was insightful to offer to open relationship in the first place, but she hadn't known how to tell me.

I said (I think), "So let's talk about it."

She said she was attracted to X. I told her about my lovely young admirer who'd made me feel the same rush, just two days before. And I hadn't told her for the same reasons.

I'd mentioned this to her earlier, but I repeated it then and post the thought now as a basis for understanding why we decided to have an open relationship:

We talked about it for several days, some in person, and some online (as we are apart two or three days a week). We discussed the concerns each of us have, and how we might mitigate them. We decided upon rules, the first being (obviously) SAFE SEX. Don't bring anything home.

Next rule: all potential partners must be pre-approved. If I don't like the person River is interested in, I tell her. She has the same veto power over me. This arrangement is based upon complete openness and honesty--the kind of honesty, frankly, you can't get in traditional monogamous relationships.

Here's the thing: it's perfectly natural to feel attracted to different people, even when you are commited to and comfortable with one person. To pretend you aren't is simple denial. Well, I mean beyond a certain point. I wasn't interested in anyone for five or six years after River and I joined forces, but after that point, I found myself attracted--sexually--to other women. At the same time, I had no desire to replace her. In fact, she is irreplaceable.

But other women--select ones--still give me that rush. Y'know?

So I approved her choice. She approved mine.

We've agreed upon more mutual rules (including the fact that all rules are mutual). To wit:

- If I call her, she must stop whatever she's doing and come to me (within reason). No matter how silly or emotional the reason for veto, it is respected. We can and will talk about it, but we understand that emotions need no rationale, and maintaining our relationship is our top priority.

- No men at this time. I may loosen this rule later, as it applies almost entirely to River's tastes, but for now, I'm not comfortable with men in the equation.

Also, for now, at least, we spend nights together when I'm not traveling.

All rules are subject to change as the arrangement evolves, but they are all, always, based upon mutual respect and trust.

vi